


The People Around Us Stared, But We Didn't Care

by A_M_Kelley



Category: Bandom, Deerhunter (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friendship/Love, Kissing, Letters, M/M, Mutually Unrequited, Non-Linear Narrative, POV First Person, Sexual Tension, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-15
Updated: 2012-08-15
Packaged: 2017-11-12 04:51:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/486916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_M_Kelley/pseuds/A_M_Kelley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lockett writes a letter to Bradford, retelling of a moment between them they haven't talked about until now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The People Around Us Stared, But We Didn't Care

***  
***  
You're probably wondering why I'm writing this to you. And you're probably confused as to why I can't tell you face to face. But this is hard to tell you, Bradford, because there are so many things to account for and I don't know...

Where do I begin?  
***  
***

 

I remember that day like it was yesterday, when you met me after school. It was senior year for me, but you had dropped out by then and got your GED. I remember seeing your lanky form by the flagpole and all the looks you got from the kids that were too snotty to mind their own business. They looked at you like you we a freak, but I knew better.

You were beautiful to me. They couldn't see what I saw, they refused to see the beauty in you and I cursed them silently under my breath in your defense. But you were unafraid of their judging stares and you were so brave that I couldn't help but smile as you stared right back at them, letting them know you weren't submissive and self conscious.

You were so strong. I envied you in secret.

I approached you with my backpack slung over one shoulder, keeping my head straight and refraining from giving those kids a piece of my mind. You spotted me across the courtyard and waved, I waved back and you smiled as if I was the only person there. I couldn't help but feel a little giddy from that smile alone and I blushed.

 

***  
***  
You've always looked goofy when you smiled, but it couldn't have made you more beautiful, Bradford. And despite all the stares you got that day, I was honored to be your friend. I always imagined if I was a little bolder I would've said something and stood up for you and I'm sorry that I didn't.

Could you ever forgive me, Bradford?

I wouldn't expect you to, but you've always been a better person than most and I know you'd forgive me unconditionally. But I don't deserve it. Not yet. Not until I'm done writing this. You deserve to know exactly how I felt that day and you deserve an explanation.

Now, where was I?  
***  
***

 

When I got to you we hugged and I remember how it made me feel. Loved, over whelmed, grateful, but how you perceived it always remained a mystery to me. I imagined it made you feel warm inside. Your arms were so frail but so strong around my shoulders and I wanted to squeeze you tightly to my chest, but was too afraid to. I feared I might hurt you.

We parted and I was left wanting, the people around us stared but we didn't care. You ruffled my hair playfully like an older brother would and I nudged you back, feeling like a child under your scrutiny. I felt like I was blushing and I probably was, but it didn't matter if I was or not.

 

***  
***  
You made a remark towards the other kids, saying that they were onto our affair and I laughed so hard that I cried. Do you remember that? I've never laughed harder in my life. You always knew how to bring out a smile in me no matter what.  
***  
***

 

You caught me a little off guard when you grabbed my hand as if to show them we were lovers, though. And when you pecked me on the cheek I didn't know what to think of it. I was too embarrassed to complain and make it a big deal. I was confused.

We walked away together, leaving the school behind and still holding hands despite our lack of audience. I didn't mind it much, the way you entered and stayed in my personal space. I was just waiting for you to let go so I didn't have to. 

 

***  
***  
It didn't make sense to me at the time, why I didn't want to let go, but I know better now.  
***  
***

 

We stopped at a cafe to pick up some coffee and I remember you didn't have enough, so I paid for you. I never expected you to pay me back because I didn't want you to. You were my friend and friends are supposed to do nice things for eachother.

I saw you pick up the hot disposable cup and wondered how you could stand it. I remember pulling my sleeve over my hand just to be able to grasp mine. We left and continued down the street, not exactly knowing where we were going. You stopped and turned to me and asked:

"Do you want to go to my place? I'm alone all weekend."

I remember flushing bodily at the words and not knowing why. I looked into your hazel eyes and wished I was able to read your mind in that moment. You looked so expectant and hopeful, that if I said no I thought you'd might cry. It's not that I didn't want to come over, I was just confused. So many conflicting emotions were running through my head.

"Sure," I said.

 

***  
***  
There's something you need to know, Bradford. That whole time I didn't know why I was so nervous, but now as I write this to you I realize things about myself I wish I would've known back then.  
***  
***

 

It wasn't much later when we got to your house and it didn't take long for you to find the alcohol hidden around the house. We didn't start drinking until night came. For some reason I didn't like drinking when the sun was still up and you never laughed at me for that. I always appreciated that.

I recall you getting up to get shot glasses. It was well into the evening and it was dark outside, with the exception of streetlights. Your room was something else, to say the least. It was colorful and full of life, so much like you. I was on your bed when you returned with our glasses and you gave me a small smile, shutting the door behind you.

You sat next to me, setting the glasses on your night stand and grabbed the bottle filled with amber liquid. Jack Daniel's. I was never used to the bitter taste, but getting wasted with you always seemed to trump my better judgment. I wanted to forget my nerves and just have fun with you. You poured equal amounts of liquor into our glasses, handing one of them to me then grabbing your own.

The first shot is always the most bitter for me.

We were laughing and talking about nothing in particular and as the night went on, you became more uncoordinated and the amounts of alcohol in our glasses varied. I remember leaning against you for support and giggling, for what reason I can't remember.

 

***  
***  
It's hard to recall the events that followed after, so bare with me.  
***  
***

 

You said something that I couldn't quite make out. All I could feel was you hands on me. On my sides to keep me from toppling over but it was no use, you were so drunk. Alcohol affected didn't always agree with you and we fell to the ground with a thud. I think I hit my knee against the night stand, but my head was swimming so much that I didn't know for sure.

I was flat on my back on the hard wood floor and you were on top of me, giggling like a maniac. I tried to get up but you wouldn't budge. You were too drunk and so was I. Something exited my mouth, but it was too unintelligible and slurred. It sounded faintly like "geddup", but I couldn't be sure.

I don't think you understood or heard it clearly so I said it again, but it was no use. My tongue felt numb and my voice was weak. Suddenly you stopped giggling and you looked down at me with glazed eyes, swaying back and forth to support your weight. I was surprised you had some strength left after drinking so much and falling off your bed.

We stared at eachother for the longest time and despite laying on the unforgiving wooden floor I didn't want to move. Your breath was hot against my face and it smelt like alcohol but it didn't disgust me in the least. My breath couldn't possibly be pleasant either. Then you leaned forward, your breath even closer, almost too humid for me to breath.

And when your lips touched mine my mind went blank and my body froze up by reflex. You were kissing me. Your lips were heavy and uncoordinated but I responded back, if not a little reluctantly. I couldn't imagine how silly we looked but if I had to guess, we were probably a couple of out of water guppies gasping for air.

The bitter taste of your tongue stained the inside of my mouth and it swirled around wetly to play with mine. I made a broken moaning sound that seemed to spur you on and even though my tongue still felt like lead, I managed to clash back with your's.

I could feel my pants getting tighter and I was vaguely aware of the growing hard on in my pants. You noticed it too and I could feel your hand palming against the fabric of my jeans, squeezing around it loosely. I had never been touched like that before and as I came down from the alcohol a little and realized you were touching me, I panicked.

I mustered up all the energy I could and pushed you off of me. I was acutely aware of the loud thud when you slammed back into your bed frame, cursing something under your breath. And I'll never forget the look on your thin face. Hurt, confused, and rejected. I couldn't stand to see you like that and I ran. I left your house and ran home with my tail between my legs.

 

***  
***  
And we never talked about it again. Not until now. I'm sorry that I hurt you all those years ago and now I know better. I was never disgusted in you, Bradford. I rejected you because I was young and scared and confused and so unsure of myself. It was never about you. You are so beautiful and you need to realize that. You need to see yourself as I see you.

As I write this now I can see you across the studio, plucking away at your guitar. Those slim nimble fingers weaving interlining rhythms and chords together as if it were nothing. Your eyes are closed for the most part, but every so often I caught your gaze out of the corner of my eye. I wish I could undo all those years of uneasiness and doubt. I wish I wouldn't have pushed you away.

I'm so sorry.

You're probably wondering where this is going so I'll save you the suspense. I want another chance and this time I won't be scared. I know what I want, Bradford. It's you. It's always been you. And unless there's something I've missed completely, you want me too. So I guess this is my way of saying that I love you, Bradford. And that I'm ready.

Are you?  
***  
***


End file.
